Because I'm Still a Child

There will always be a place for you inside my arms.

And I return.

They say you have to take the chance to gain it all. You have to put yourself out there to experience something. You can’t expect to win the lottery if you don’t buy the ticket. I’m not a gambler. I’m better at guessing at the right path running down it and accepting what I find at the end as the best outcome. The choices we make teach us right?

I think it’s all a lie. I think that at the end of the day if you put yourself out there and you lose, well, you fucking lose. Sometimes you can get over it, sometimes you can’t.

At the end of the day, it all depends on what you’ve lost.

For me, I fear I have lost the best thing I’ve ever had.

It’s been a while…

“Tonight the ocean’s at my feet…”

Things always change and you can’t stop the change, just like you can’t stop the tide. It’s been over a year or so since I’ve been writing/sharing/partaking in what is the “tumblr culture” and for a while it was just that, a lifestyle, a place for me to vent and share all that I create and see.

Then again things change and viewpoints change. For the last 3 months I’ve been a fact-finding, photo-taking lackey and my writing as died along with my energy and any real understanding of where I fit in the world of stories and tales.

A dead cell phone, 47 cups of coffee, 4 days without sleep, over 4000 photos and 9000 words and a broken-down car experience I realize I have to prioritize and part of that is letting go of this space for a while.

“There are many things I would like to say to you but I don’t know how…”

Maybe I started this whole thing as a way to reach out to all that I’ve lost, but in the end it helped me to see all that I’ve gained. Trees keep growing, losing their leaves, regrowing every spring. Children don’t stop aging, they get up, live their lives, climb the same leafless trees and that’s just how it goes.

And so it goes.

“And maybe you’re the one who’s going to save me…”

It took me a year to realize only I can save myself, and I’m at the point that I have finally done that. I’ve taken all the steps I can to get to a point where maybe, maybe finally I can be happy on my own, by my own accord and for me, only me.

You see, I’ve hurt so many people in my life, on my path. I’ve left behind love and scattered the ashes in hopes that the bird will rise one day at dawn to a bright new sky. But the only way ashes can breed something new is with work and realizations and a new start.

“Change the colors of the sky and open up to the ways you made me feel alive…”

To those I hurt,

I loved you and I hurt you. You loved me back. I never meant all the things I did wrong. I never meant to destroy whatever relationship I had with you to get to where I am today. Yes, I was selfish. And for that I am sorry and for that I am not. You see, it took all the bad choices to make the good ones and finally do what I needed to, what I needed to do for myself. And in that I became the strongest, healthiest, happiest Lydia I have ever been. And I can never take back the moments I made bad choices, but I can say I’m sorry. And maybe someday I can make up for it. If not, I wish you well.

Love always,

Me

“Just lay it all down, put your face into my neck and let it fall out. I know, I know, I know, I knew you before you got home. This world in now it doesn’t have to be alone, I’ll get there somehow. Cause I know I know I know, when even springtime feels cold.”

And with that I’m done hiding what I mean and feel here, because life is way too short to live through a screen.

And she began to live in a dream world until it became all she ever knew, reality had no place and she was just a visitor inside her own head…